


A Link Between Franchises

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Acting, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barbarian Link, Bisexual Link (Legend of Zelda), Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dr. Mario - Freeform, Fame, Grindr, Homophobic Mario, Lynels, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28180809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Link, an actor who plays a character by the same name in Breath of the Wild, believes he is destined to be Nintendo's shining star following the phenomenal success of BotW, but he's brought back to Earth by reports of Mario getting a sequel to Super Mario Odyssey. Link is 20, and he's has had to sacrifice his personal life for years for his work. Additionally, Link is bisexual and has numerous kinks, and he's chafing under Nintendo's family-friendly expectations.Mario is a star, and he can be a very pleasant, charismatic person. But, for decades, everyone has kissed his ass, and he has the ego and the stubbornness of a star. He doesn't tolerate competitors well.Tingle is a liaison between Nintendo and actors such as Link and Mario, and he finds himself navigating a delicate situation with two actors who are afraid and suspicious of each other.
Relationships: Bolson & Link (Legend of Zelda), Tingle & Link (Legend of Zelda)
Kudos: 1





	1. The Chosen One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a world where video games are made via actors, so Link is an actor who plays "Link" in BotW, and Mario is an actor who plays "Mario" in the Mario games. Tingle played past versions of "Tingle" in the Zelda franchise, but now works a more mundane job as a liaison between Nintendo and the actors. 
> 
> They all happen to speak English, but Link is American, Tingle is Japanese, and Mario is, of course, Italian. This is set in mid-2021, after the pandemic (which doesn't come up except for a brief reference.) 
> 
> Content warning for prejudice and old-fashioned views.

♫ _Hmm, hmm, hmm!_ ♫ hummed Tingle as he walked down the hallway at the Nintendo headquarters in Kyoto.

It was a little after 9 A.M. on a Monday. Tingle had checked his email and had a coffee, and now he was going to check in on Link, who was starring in the sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Tingle approached the door to Link's dressing room and opened it.

"Ah!" yelped Tingle, after catching a glimpse of Link's naked ass, not to mention the rest of Link's naked body (and a woman who knelt in front of him?!?)

Tingle yanked the door closed and turned away.

He squeezed his eyes shut, questioning the memory of what he had just seen.

He paused, confused.

He slowly turned back toward the door, but Link opened it first, just enough to stick his head out.

Link cleared his throat. "Hey, Tingle," muttered Link, just barely loud enough to be heard. He smirked. "Are you here to, um, bring me my cappuccino?"

Tingle smiled and shook his head. As crazy as some actors could be, Link, with his 5 foot 7, 20-year-old frame (albeit still taller than Tingle's), never felt intimidating. His pointy ears (due to prosthetics Link chose to always wear) further softened whatever edge he had. "Ah, no," said Tingle. "I have come to check up on you, see how you're doing."

"Is it Monday already?"

"Mmm-hmm," nodded Tingle.

Link rubbed his earring, still hiding his body behind the door. He smiled. "You're not the bashful type, are you?"

Tingle shrugged and blushed. Link had this unique ability to make anybody feel like they had a chance with him.

"Well, I'm being painted right now," said Link, "but if it doesn't bother you, you can come in."

Tingle shrugged again, and Link opened the door and invited him inside.

Yep, Link was naked. Tingle noticed brown stripes painted on Link's lower body, including what looked like a handprint on his lower abs. The painter from earlier, a woman in her late 20s, stood nearby, stirring a small container of brown paint with a brush.

 _Uh huh..._ thought Tingle, still confused.

"We're going to shoot some parts where I'm a barbarian!" said Link, as if announcing that he had chosen to major in barbarianing. Link turned, his back to Tingle, and stood still as the woman resumed painting stripes on his legs. "You should see some of the batshit ideas the art team dreamed up."

"Huh," mumbled Tingle. He walked over to the side and perused the drawings. A lot of animal motifs. Link as a tiger. Link wearing nothing but a bear skin. Link as a Lizalfo for some reason. Tingle knew that the early, raw drafts of ideas were wilder than what would end up in the game, but he was still surprised at what the imaginations of those on the art team conjured up.

"So what's new?" asked Link. "This schedule's so crazy I can barely keep up with the outside world."

"Uh, well," said Tingle, using his foot to scratch the back of his calf. "So, Nintendo has confirmed that Super Mario Odyssey 2 is in the works."

Tingle saw Link's calf muscles tense up. Link let out a sharp breath. "Huh."

Tingle pursed his lips, then spoke. "They announced the news this morning."

Link said nothing for a few seconds, then turned around so the painter could start on Link's back side. "I guess I _thought_ we had an understanding," said Link.

Link had spoken softly, but Tingle felt the chill nonetheless. "Oh. Um—" Tingle shrugged. "—you know how this business can be."

"Do you believe in fate, Tingle?"

"Uh, well, I suppose so."

"It's the only way anything makes sense. I mean, why am _I_ the one they chose to star in Breath of the Wild? I mean, it really seems like the universe has a plan for me."

Tingle thought about his own aborted acting career and the nature of best laid plans, but held his tongue.

Link stared straight ahead. "But maybe fate is more fragile than I thought. I mean, I had doubts before, but then the universe rewarded me, you know? Twenty million copies sold. Critic after critic called it a 'masterpiece'. And Nintendo, you know, they had my back. And it felt like I had a calling. Sure, I had to work very hard, and make this the focus of my life, but in return, it was kind of understood that fate would be on my side. So, yeah, I guess I thought _I_ was the chosen one." Link let out a deep sigh. "But Nintendo seems to think it's an Italian plumber that jumps on people's heads."

Tingle shrugged.

"He's not even licensed, you know."

Tingle chuckled. "I don't think—"

"I mean, I just don't get it," continued Link. "People bend over backwards for him, and what do they get in return? Shit like 'Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games 2020'."

"Well—"

"I know what you're going to say," said Link. "I mean, I agree, it's not his fault that there was a pandemic and the Olympics was cancelled. But the game itself is just so _trivial_. It's cut-and-paste. There's no _beauty_ in a game like that. But does what's-his-face care? I mean, how does anyone respect an _oaf_ like that?"

Tingle shrugged. "People like him?"

Link exhaled derisively. "I guess there _are_ a lot of people like him."

Tingle chuckled. "Well, I mean—"

"Do you know how much I've sacrificed for this job?" asked Link.

Tingle raised his eyebrows. "Link, we're very, _very_ grateful for everything you do."

"There were so many guys I could've had."

"Oh, whoa, okay!" said Tingle, laughing but not expecting the conversation to turn in this direction.

"Not to mention girls," continued Link, "but there's no way Nintendo would be okay with a girl who's into the kind of shit I'm into."

Tingle paused in thought.

Link nodded. "Yeah, whatever setup you're thinking of, that's a no-go."

"Oh, I wasn't—!"

"It's okay. We're only human."

Tingle nodded.

Link continued. "But Nintendo can be so heteronormative sometimes, it's almost suffocating. They have veto power over everything. I mean..." Link walked over to the counter and picked up the barbarian headdress. (The painter just waited patiently, kneeling with paintbrush in hand.) Link put on the headdress. "Wouldn't this make a better barbarian uniform than what's in the game?" Link stepped toward Tingle, scowled, and flexed his meager chest muscles. 

Tingle chuckled. "You do look fierce, Link."

"This censorship stuff just frustrates me," said Link, resuming position in front of the painter but keeping on the headgear. "Like, they really toned down the stuff between me and Sidon. Oh," Link turned toward the painter. "Could you do my nails?"

"I think they want us to stick to the design," said the painter.

"Yeah, but I think it'd look cool," said Link. "I'll wash it off before recording."

"Alright," she said with a shrug.

Link stuck his hand out, still naked except for the barbarian headgear, while the painter painted each fingernail. "Anyway, Tingle," said Link, "as I was saying, it's frustrating how heteronormative Nintendo can be, and it shows when they favor someone like what's-his-face—"

"Mario," said Tingle reflexively.

"—over someone like me." Link smirked. "Of course, you know he's heteronormative because he has _such_ a deep voice. Not to mention that he looks like a Village Person. I mean, a macho man like that? Got to be straight."

Tingle rolled his eyes. "Link, c'mon..."

"Although, just because he's married doesn't mean he's not a leather daddy on the side. Not that I'd judge him." Link turned to the painter. "Oh, Jen? Do you have any lipstick? Like, black lipstick, maybe?"

"Uh, no," the painter said, slowly shaking her head.

"Alright. Maybe we can improvise."

"Maybe later."

"Link?" said Tingle. "I'll catch up with you later. I need to make my rounds."

Link pointed at Tingle. "Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!" he said.

Tingle shook his fist in mock anger. "Hey! Don't steal my catchphrase. Or else I'll steal yours."

"Well, good luck with that," said Link. "My only catchphrases are grunts. You know, 'ha!' or 'uh!' or maybe 'ch!'"

"Ha ha, of course."

* * *

Tingle left, and checked in on other actors at Nintendo until he got to the biggest star on the list. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it?!" chimed a melodic voice with an Italian accent.

"Hi, Mr. Mario. It's me, Tingle. I'd like to congratulate you on the news."

"Ah, it's-a Mr. Tingle!" Mario opened the door with a smile on his face. He was dressed in his usual blue overalls. "Please, come-a right in!"

Tingle couldn't help but grin as he entered Mario's dressing room. The place was immaculate, save for a newspaper and a half-eaten donut on a small plate that lay on the counter next to the dressing room mirror. Mario returned to his chair. 

"So..." said Mario, imbuing that syllable with melody and expectation. "What's-a the news?"

Tingle chuckled. "Oh, Mr. Mario. You must've heard it by now."

"But I want-a to hear it from you!"

"Oh, alright. Super Mario Odyssey... is getting a sequel!"

Mario bent over and jumped up out of his chair. "Wahoo!!!"

Tingle laughed. "Oh, that's how I thought you'd take it!"

Mario hopped from foot to foot around the room, yelping with joy.

"Oh!" said Tingle. "Oh, we're definitely going to have a party for this. I'll make sure you know the moment it's set up."

Mario grabbed Tingle's shoulders and smiled. "Make sure you invite Link!"

Tingle chuckled. "Oh, I don't know if he'd want to come."

"Make him an offer he can't-a refuse!" said Mario, still smiling but shaking Tingle a little more violently than before. "I want to see his face when I cut-a the cake!" Mario made a thrusting gesture with an imaginary knife.

Tingle chuckled again. "I don't see what the big deal is. Link is doing well, but you're doing very, _very_ well. You're way, way in the lead in terms of sales, if not—" Tingle caught himself and cleared his throat.

Mario sat down in his chair and looked at Tingle. "If not what?"

Tingle shrugged. "I just mean, there are _certain_ types of people who would, you know, read reviews, listen to whatever critics say, rather than, um, uh..." 

Mario smiled. "I think I know what-a you mean by 'types of people'. This Link, he is, how you say, '♫'?" Mario whistled and made a vague Italian gesture with his hand.

Tingle raised his eyebrows and chuckled nervously. "Oh, Mr. Mario, no no no. You can't just say that. People might find that offensive."

"How is it offensive? I was a plumber, no? The male fittings, they fit in-a the female! How can you fit a male to a male? It doesn't make-a the sense."

Tingle smiled and rubbed his forehead. "I'm just saying, one should be careful about not saying things that could be considered offensive or they could find yourself in—"

"Okay, okay," said Mario with a smile. "But you must agree that Link is as light-a on his toes as a gelato in the hands of a child on the first day of summer, no?" Mario nudged Tingle with his elbow.

Tingle chuckled. "Oh, I don't know about that."

Mario raised an eyebrow and smiled. 

Tingle continued. "Well, I get where you're coming from, but he's so busy, he hasn't had time to do anything with anyone!"

"He's 20!" said Mario. "When I was his age, I chased every skirt-a from Sicily to Bologna!"

Tingle smiled. "I guess we're all different people."

Mario pointed a finger at Tingle. "Make sure Link comes-a to my party, eh?"

Tingle nodded. "I'll do my best."

Mario smiled. "Wonderful!" Mario hopped out of his chair. "Mr. Tingle, it is always such a pleasure to see you!"

"And meeting you is always a whirlwind of energy, Mr. Mario."

Mario smiled and did a twirl. "Woo!"

Tingle chuckled. "I'll make sure to send you the party details as soon as it is arranged."

"That's-a great! Bye, Mr. Tingle!"

"Bye, Mr. Mario!"

* * *

Tingle exited Mario's dressing room, stood in place, and stared ahead for ten seconds. 

"Hmm," he sighed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I hope I make a second chapter of this trainwreck of an idea.
> 
> \- For a game that chooses to have Link wearing shorts in the regeneration chamber, that barbarian armor seems kinda risqué.


	2. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link, Tingle, and Bolson have a discussion in a coffeeshop that revolves around Link dating men.

Early next morning, Tingle and Link were sitting in a coffeeshop near a small town used for the filming of the Hateno Village segments.

Link looked at his phone. He giggled.

Tingle smiled. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, I'm just laughing at this guy on Grindr."

Tingle took a second to look up what Grindr was, raised his eyebrows, then put his phone away.

"There's this leather daddy," continued Link, "who says he wants to tie me up in his dungeon and whip me till I bleed." Link smirked as he took a sip through a straw of his iced coffee. "Might check him out later."

Tingle chuckled nervously. "Link... Nintendo has certain _expectations_ for—"

"Oh, don't worry, I'm anonymous."

"Do you... have a photo on this app?" asked Tingle.

"Of course." Link smiled. "I want guys to see what I have to offer. But it's just from the neck down."

Tingle paused in thought. "But if you actually meet him—"

"I've thought of that," said Link. "Face paint. I'll cover my face with patterns that'll make my face unrecognizable."

Tingle rubbed his forehead. "Have you tr— I mean, you must understand th— I mean, I don't think— I don't know tha—" Tingle took a deep breath. "Nintendo has certain expectations for how you need to act. _Contractual_ expectations that you agreed to."

"That my _parents_ agreed to," said Link. "I was just 12. I didn't agree to shit."

"But you still have to abide by the contract if you want to remain the star of the Breath of the Wild sequel."

Link raised a finger. "Breath of the Wild would be _nothing_ without me."

Tingle stared at him and smiled. "You're... not the first _Link_ , Link."

Link raised his hands in exasperation. "But why—"

"Nintendo wants to make sure their games can be enjoyed by families worldwide without reservations. Regardless of how you feel, it's beyond our control."

Link scowled but said nothing. He let out a deep sigh, then took a sip of his iced coffee.

Just then, Bolson (i.e., the actor who played Bolson the carpenter in BotW) walked up to their table.

"♪ Hey! ♪" said Bolson, waving his hand. He put his drink down and slid into the chair next to Tingle. "Ooh, I will never get tired of that view."

Tingle looked at the rolling hills through the window next to them, but then realized Bolson was looking the other way, at a few studly construction worker actors waiting in line for their drinks.

"Mmm-hmmm," agreed Link with a nod.

Bolson chuckled. "Oh, you'd have a better chance at them than an old queen like me would."

"I don't think any of them are on Grindr, though. I just checked."

"Well, not everyone's on Grindr. Have you considered, I don't know, _talking_ to them?"

Link looked down and cleared his throat. He chuckled nervously. "Wouldn't it be a tad awkward to just _ask_ a complete stranger out, at 7 in the morning, in a random coffeeshop?"

Bolson chuckled. "No, Link. You would have a _conversation_. You'd talk about your lives. Maybe he mentions that he has a girlfriend, in which case, case closed. Or maybe he's single. If so, maybe you slip in the fact that you're gay—"

"Bi," said Link.

"—or bi or whatever. You can make it subtle. Say you went to this club last night to check out the cute guys. Hell, you can even lie! Make up a name for a club that doesn't exist. Say,—" Bolson did his best dude-bro voice. "'Dude, last night I went to 'Swinging Richards' to check out the guys at 'Underwear Night'."

Link giggled.

Bolson continued. "And anyway, you're not strangers! You work together. You have a lot to talk about."

Link grimaced. "Well, they're not really my type. And I don't think Nintendo would want me dating guys right now."

Bolson sighed. "Look, I know you're under unique pressures, but lots of stars manage to have secret, or even not-so-secret, relationships with members of the same sex."

Link nodded and sipped his iced coffee.

Suddenly, Bolson's eyes lit up. "♪ Well, ♪, here's an idea. I heard there's going to be a party next week, in honor of Super Mario Odyssey getting a ♪ sequel! ♪"

Link looked up and spoke flatly. "I'm not going to that."

 _Ooh, that's a problem,_ thought Tingle. _It's hard to negotiate from 'no'. If Link doesn't go to the party, Mario won't like that, and if Mario doesn't get his way, he can be difficult to work with, and Nintendo has a major headache on its hands._

Tingle cleared his throat, but Bolson spoke first.

"I know it's a 'work event'—" Bolson pursed his lips and shook his head. "—but it's still good to get yourself out there. It doesn't matter how famous you are. People will have a better impression of you if they actually meet you, and... maybe they remember they have a friend, or a brother, who's... available?"

Link nodded.

"Or a sister?" continued Bolson. "It's a new era. Men can date _women_ now, and no one bats an eye."

Link grinned and nodded again. "But the thing is, I don't— I mean, there's this— I mean..."

Tingle sipped his coffee. _Seems like Link doesn't want to admit to Bolson that his refusal to go to the party is just because of his dislike of Mario_ , thought Tingle.

"I'll think about it," said Link.

Tingle smiled. 


	3. Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tingle delivers the news to Mario that Link's not coming to his party. Mario responds with an intriguing job offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify, Hylians don't exist in this universe, but Lynel do.

The next morning, Tingle went to visit Link in his dressing room, but he wasn't in. Tingle decided to wait by his door until he came back. Bored, he looked at his phone. A thought crossed his mind.

_Just what is Link putting up on Grindr?_

Tingle downloaded Grindr, made up a quick fake account, and skimmed through profiles until he found one for someone named "BoiOfTheWild":

I can suck dick like Kirby. Interested? HMU.

Height: 1.75m (5'9")  
Weight: 60 kg (132 lbs)  
Looking for: Right Now  
Position: vers  
Ethnicity: Hylian

BoiOfTheWild had a nude selfie with Kirby's face covering his own.

Tingle was pondering whether Nintendo would approve when Link showed up, dressed casually.

"Oh, hey, Tingle," said Link as he opened the door.

"Hello, Link," said Tingle as he followed Link inside. "So... there's something I need to discuss with you."

"Sure. Oh, hold on." Link took out his phone and looked at it. He raised his eyebrows. "Huh." Link smirked. "Looks like someone nearby was checking out my Grindr account."

"Huh," said Tingle, looking to the side.

"Can't tell who it is, though," said Link. "Someone with the username 'TempAccount2342'. Wonder if it's Sidon." Link snickered. "Or maybe his husband."

"So..." said Tingle, trying to change the subject, "I was wondering if you had decided on attending Mr. Mario's party?"

Link put down his phone and let out a deep sigh before turning to Tingle. "I'm not going."

Tingle paused. "Are you sure?"

"I mean, simply showing up would signal my approval of the crap that what's-his-name does. And the more support that crap gets, the less comes to us or other deserving projects. I mean, projects get cancelled all the time. We have to protect ourselves."

Tingle shook his head, confused. "It's just a party. It's not a big deal if you attend."

"Oh, I think people will notice if I don't show up. The star of Breath of the Wild refusing to go to a party in honor of Super Mario Odyssey 2? People love juicy gossip like that."

Tingle took a breath. "Nintendo would want you to be supportive."

"If the top brass really cares that much about me attending a party, they can say so."

Tingle sighed. "Sure, but—"

"I'm sorry, Tingle, but the answer is no."

* * *

Tingle was tense as he made his way to Mario's dressing room, but he tried to be upbeat. He knocked on the door.

"Hello, Mr. Mario. It's me, Tingle!"

Mario opened the door, and let out a big, wide grin when he saw Tingle. "Tingle! So nice to see you! Come in! Come in!"

Tingle smiled and tried to temper his nervousness. "And how are you this morning, Mr. Mario?"

"Splendid, splendid. I just played a few rounds of Me Kart!"

"Uh huh... Oh!" Tingle burst out laughing when he got the joke. "Oh, right! You Kart!"

Mario laughed and slapped Tingle's shoulder. "Ha ha ha! So, Mr. Tingle, what's-a the news?"

"Uh, well, production and casting have just started on Super Mario Odyssey 2."

Mario laughed. "Of course! I know that already! What about-a the party?"

"Well, I haven't heard anything about a new Mario Party game yet—"

Mario chuckled and slapped Tingle's shoulder again. "Ha ha ha. No, I mean-a, the party for Super Mario Odyssey 2. Who's coming?"

"Well, I don't think it's been scheduled yet. I'll let you know once people RSVP."

Mario smiled as he grabbed Tingle by both shoulders. "But you told-a Link, right?"

"Ah, heh heh, um, yes, I did."

"And?"

"...he declined."

Mario sank, cartoonishly disappointed. "Oh, that's not good, Tingle! Did you ask him why?"

Tingle grimaced. "I think he just wasn't feeling that well," he lied.

Mario smiled and stared at Tingle without saying a word.

Tingle swallowed.

Mario walked backward and plopped down in his chair. He leaned to the side and put his chin on his fist, absorbed in thought. Then, he jumped up.

"Ah HA!" said Mario. "What Link-a needs is a visit from Dr. Mario!"

Tingle was baffled. "What, what do you mean? Should I send him to your office?"

Mario chuckled. "No, no. I will offer Link a part in the next Dr. Mario game!"

Tingle stared and blinked. "Uh... well.. it's worth a shot, but he's so busy I don't know if he'll be able to accept."

"Oh, he'll accept," Mario said, tenting his fingers. "He'll accept."

* * *

Later that day, Tingle found Link in an editing room. Editors sat at computers, constructing footage of Link mounting a Lynel, an act that Link couldn't do in real life since real Lynels were far too dangerous. Link, however, was looking at his phone.

Link looked up. "Oh, hi, Tingle."

"Hello, Link."

"So Nintendo sent me an email offering me a role in the new Dr. what's-his-name game."

Tingle smiled and nodded. "Well, it's always good to get an offer."

Link sighed and propped his head up with his hand as he sat sideways in his chair. "Working on that game would mean less time for Breath of the Wild 2." Link paused. "But that Dr. what's-his-name game sounds like it'll be a pretty simple project, and if it's going to get made regardless, then participating would at least show Nintendo that I'm a team player."

There was a pause. Then Tingle spoke. "So... do you think you'll take the offer?"

Link shrugged without moving his head off his hand. "Hmm. Sure. Why not. I'm kinda curious why they'd need me, but it can't be that complicated, can it?"

Tingle nodded. "I'll go tell Mr. Mario."

* * *

Tingle arrived back at Mario's dressing room.

"Good news, Mr. Mario!"

"Ah, Tingle!" exclaimed Mario, jogging toward Tingle with arms raised in exuberance. "What's-a the news?"

"Link has agreed to be in the next Dr. Mario game!"

Mario clasped his hands and smiled. "That's-a great! Hold on!" Mario jogged over to a small cart filled with reams of paper nearly as high as Tingle. "Would you deliver these forms to Link and ask him to sign?"

Tingle looked at the paper and chuckled nervously. "Uh, I wasn't aware that the paperwork to star in Dr. Mario would be so extensive."

"The new game is, a watcha call it—" Mario gestured uncertainly, then raised his finger in a moment of realization. "—an 'open world' game!"

Tingle was dumbfounded. "The next Dr. Mario is an open-world game?"

"Yes!"

Tingle stood tip-toe to read the top sheets on the reams of paper. Then he turned to Mario. "Is Link going to be enrolled in Phase I trials?"

Mario raised his hands. "Paperwork, paperwork. So much paperwork."

Tingle browsed some more. "Just what kind of drugs would Link be taking?"

"Oh, who knows, but let's-a hope they work!"

Tingle rubbed his forehead nervously. "Is Link going to get sick?"

"It'll be hilarious! Imagine that sissy with a fever. It would be like, 'Mamma Mia! Dio, dove sei?' People will love it!"

Tingle mustered just enough will to chuckle nervously. "Eh heh heh. Um, Mr. Mario, is this legal?"

"Oh, you sound like my lawyer friend," said Mario, slapping Tingle's shoulder. "But my _doctor_ friend, who is in-a the government, yes, he assured me that he made sure that all of this was legal."

Tingle forced a smiled as he chuckled. "Uh, Mr. Mario, it'll probably take a while for Link to read through, uh, all of this. Just bringing this to him could take a while. "

Mario slapped his forehead. "Of course! I can send him the forms online!"

Tingle smiled and nodded. "That's a great idea, Mr. Mario. Why don't we try that?"

Tingle then quickly took out his phone and texted "Don't sign anything!" to Link.

* * *

Tingle raced to Link's dressing room and knocked.

"Come in!" yelled Link.

Tingle barged in. "Link! You didn't sign the Dr. Mario forms yet, did you?"

"No," said Link, sitting in a chair. He put down the script he was reading and turned to Tingle. "What's the problem?"

"Well..." Tingle gestured vaguely in an attempt to describe the weird situation they were in. "It seems that the new Dr. Mario is an open world game."

Link's eyes lit up. "Really? I wonder what that means." Link looked at his phone.

Tingle waited patiently.

Link continued. "So, it looks like certain non-player characters become ill, and the player has to give them pharmaceuticals to try to cure them. Each body is treated as a complex, realistic system, informed by the latest research as well as an A.I. fed by medical data from actual patients, of whom I would be one."

Tingle nodded. "But you're not going to accept this offer, are you?"

Link stood up and leaned sideways against the counter next to the dressing-room mirror. "It would be nice to have connections."

"Pardon?"

Link turned and stared into the mirror. "When I was in grade school, I was told by police officers who visited our class that people would try to sell us drugs when we got older. Of course, when I was 12, I became a child actor for Nintendo, so I never got that opportunity."

Tingle furrowed his brow in confusion. "But you're not—"

"All I'm saying is," said Link, turning back to Tingle, "it would be nice to have connections. In fact, let me make it perfectly clear. If you happen to know anyone who's sketchy and looking to sell something, or even if who you know someone who _knows_ someone who's sketchy and looking to sell something, keep me in the loop. Especially if he's cute."

Tingle just shook his head. "But as far as this offer is concerned, you're not going to accept it, are you?"

Link sighed. "Well, I suppose not. I've already got a lot on my plate. Speaking of which... Do you remember when I was 16 and I tried to ride a Lynel, but it threw me off and I ended up with broken ribs?"

Tingle nodded, cringing at the memory of the Lynel sadistically kicking Link's unconscious body before the tranquilizer from the darts kicked in. "Mmm-hmm."

"Well, I want to try it again."

Tingle's eyes bulged out, and he shook his head. "No, you don't, Link."

Link rolled his eyes. "Look, everyone can tell that the Lynel-riding in Breath of the Wild was faked. Every time you look at a YouTube video of me riding a Lynel in a game, there are always commenters who complain that it's the exact same animation as if I were mounting a horse. So we've got to get that fixed for the sequel. I've already contacted the Animal Actors department. I'll have more on that soon."

Tingle sighed. There was little use in changing Link's mind when he was riding high on an idea. Better to wait a day or so and try again. Tingle decided to change the subject. "So, about Mr. Mario's party..."

Link giggled out of frustration. "I thought I made it clear that I wasn't going."

"But Mr. Mario really wants you to attend. Also, you were fine with appearing in a Dr. Mario game before finding out how much time it would take."

Link smiled and rubbed his forehead. "It's one thing to take a professional role. But I'm just not going to that fat fuck's party. And who gives a shit if he wants me to go? I mean, what's the worst he can do?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back on my bullshit.


End file.
